CoxRX Master Acne Patch, Boscia Makeup-Breakup Cool Cleansing oil, and Boscia Luminizing Black Mask Review

Just so you know: I am not affiliated with any links provided below




I have finally managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed to write this review for you all, so you're welcome.

As you can probably already tell from my rather colorless title, I will be ranting and/or raving about CosRX Master Acne Patch, Boscia Makeup-Breakup Cool Cleansing oil, and Boscia Luminizing Black Mask.

Let us begin.

(I am really feeling the gifs today so be prepared for many, many fabulous gifs) *

CosRX Master Acne Patch (picture link)

Ingredients: Cellulose gum, Styrene Isoprene Styrene Block Copolymer, Polysobutylene, Petroleum Resin, Polyurethane Film, Liquid Paraffin, Tetrakis Methane

There are no triggers that popped up in CosDNA , keeping true to the mild yet extremely efficient products that CosRX produces. 

The packaging is simple looking but personally I find that the prescription like packaging that Cosrx generally uses on their products to be very appealing. The package 'zip locks' shuts and have some protective plastic layering in it. Each package contains a sheet of 24 patches. You receive 10 small patches, 5 medium patches, and 9 large patches. I found that the Large/Medium ones worked best since I was able to cover the entire area easily, where as the small ones were a lot harder to get centered and to completely cover any breakouts I have/had. There is a short English description on a sheet of paper inside the package and on the back of a packaging itself to show you how to use them.

Basically, you open the package, take a patch off the sheet inside, place it on the blemish once you've cleansed your skin but before you've used any other products ( I found this to be important), and then leave it all overnight or during the day, and voila! The blemish has receded into the unholy depths of where it once emerged from. Never to be seen again, our great heroes have rescued us from the evil pimple wizard.

I tested this a couple times, both after cleansing and before toning and after toning but before any actives or occlusive. I found that it was most effective when I used it right after cleansing my skin.

But Natasha, don't you feel like you wasted your time/product by not just following what the directions say on the packaging?

Why yes friends, I do feel a tad foolish but I am not one to just follow what a piece of plastic and/or paper tells me to. This is a free country and I shall always defy any direct orders that I feel like I need to defy. Plus, I didn't really read the directions all the way through the first time and just kind of put it on after my toner.

So I put mine on at night, and then go to bed. I was a little worried about possible slippage of the patch but I found that it stayed perfectly in place during the night. Which was an awesome plus. I did sometimes wear them during the day though and, since they go on clear, they are basically invisible on my face so no one could really tell I was wearing them! So they go on clear, and then slightly change color after about 8 or so hours. When you remove the patch in the morning or end of the day, you will find a little white circle in the patch where the blemish was. This is the point of extermination where the patch pulled out all the weirdly, satisfying grossness that resides in CC's** and what not. It's honestly a beautiful sight. They work on reducing the size of CC's that are not ready to pop yet, but I found that they completely got rid off any CC's that had come to a head (meaning ready to pop).

These things are amazing. I can't even begin to explain how amazing they are because there isn't the right words for it. They just work! These patches will end world hunger, that's how great they are***.

Rating

1: just, no

2: meh, not rebuying.

3: mediocre

4: is good, will probably rebuy

5: holy snail grail

Boscia "Makeup-Breakup Cool Cleansing oil" (picture link)

Ingredients: Cetyl Ethylhexanoate, Polyglyceryl-10 Diisostearate, Polyglyceryl-20 Hexacaprylate, Glyceryl Behenate/Eicosadioate, Epilobium Angustifolium Flower/Leaf/Stem Extract, Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Leaf Extract, Eucalyptus Globulus Leaf Oil, Dextrin Palmitate, Menthol, Rosa Canina Fruit Oil, Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Seed Oil, Elaeis Guineensis (Palm) Oil, Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride, Copper Chlorophyll, Water/Aqua/Eau, Camellia Sinensis Leaf Powder, Butylene Glycol, Tocopherol, Ascorbyl Dipalmitate.

Things that CosDNA flagged as triggers:

Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Seed Oil - rated a 2 for an acne trigger and a 0-2 for an irritant trigger.

Butylene Glycol - Rated a 1 for an acne trigger. This shit is in everything though so, if you haven't had a reaction to anything in it then you should be fine.

Tocopherol- Rated a 2 for an acne trigger.

Nothing to be super concerned about in my opinion, This hasn't broken me out to my knowledge but I will know more when I introduce a new oil cleanser (let me know if you have any suggestions!).

It has Geranium which is supposed to supply a calming scent to help calm you. I think I'm too aggressive in life for a calming sent to really take any affect..so there's that. It also has Eucalyptus extract to help with circulation and invigorating the skin. Honestly though, it takes gross things that make me feel pretty off my face so I'm happy.

I got this product from my local Sephora. It comes in a murky/clear, 150mL, pump bottle so you can see inside. It has a tidy looking label and the product itself Is green in colour. Nothing super special about the packaging. It has directions on the back.

How I use it: All I do is use one pump (or two if I am wearing makeup) and massage it all over my dry face and neck for a couple minutes. Usually I'm lazy and just kind of massage it all over until I feel it's gotten everything broken up and ready to come off. Then I just rinse off with water and dry off my face.

It's okay at taking off makeup. Waterproof stuff is difficult to get off but non waterproof stuff comes up easy-peasy. My skin feels clean after which is great. It's smells a little herbally, and is a liquid/oil consistency. This is the first product I bought when I began my obsession with skincare. It's nice. It didn't break me out, it didn't make my skin peel off or burst into flames, so it met all the basic requirements for me for a first cleanser. I use mine at night, as you should with any first cleanser, to take off all my sunscreen and makeup. I like the bottle! pumps are super fun.

Rating

1: just, no

2: meh, not rebuying.

3: mediocre

4: is good, will probably rebuy *unless I discover something better*

5: holy snail grail

Boscia "Luminizing Black Mask" (picture link)

Ingredients: Water, Polyvinyl Alcohol, Hamamelis Virginiana (Witch Hazel) Water, Glycereth-26, Butylene Glycol, Glycerin, Acrylates/Palmeth-25 Acrylate Copolymer, Iron Oxides (CI77499), Pentylene Glycol, Montmorillonite, Polysorbate 20, Charcoal Powder, Lonicera Caprifolium (Honeysuckle) Flower Extract, Lonicera Japonica (Honeysuckle) Flower Extract, Epilobium Angustifolium Flower/Leaf/Stem Extract, Eucalyptus Globulus Leaf Oil, Pinus Pinaster Bark Extract, Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Leaf Oil, Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Leaf Extract, Citrus Grandis (Grapefruit) Seed Extract, Diglycerin, Xanthan Gum, Acrylates Copolymer, Ceteth-25, Oleth-10, Ascorbyl Glucoside, Sodium Hydroxide.

Things that CosDNA flagged as triggers:

Butylene Glycol- Once again, is in nearly everything, not really a huge concern (for me anyways). 1 for an acne trigger.

Oleth-10- Rated a 2 for an acne trigger, and 1 for an irritant trigger.

Again, pretty mild, nothing to be concerned about which I like.

It comes in a pretty little, 2.8 oz, black squeeze bottle. The product is black with texture like tar. You have to get quite a bit on product layered on your face to be able to peel it off effectively- think of it as putting enough product on your face that you slightly resemble a really racist mask used sadly not long enough ago. It's really sticky and you need to be careful to keep your hair out of it because it will pull it out.

RIP baby forehead hair.

How I use it: Make sure my hair is back and I usually where a towel on my head or a thick headband to make sure that it doesn't get into my hair (I do not lie about the pullage of baby hairs this mask can do). Then I squeeze some out, am reminded of the poor ocean that is suffering from so many oil spills, and proceed to apply a thick layer on certain areas of my face (chin, nose, under eye, cheekbones, cheeks, center of forehead- generally places I want to 'brighten'). I wait until I think It's able to peel off, realize that half of it is still tacky, peel off whatever I can anyways, wait a little bit more, and then peel off the rest. Then I wet a face cloth and wipe off any black stuff left on my face.

I really want to like this mask. I really do! It's got Ascorbyl Glucoside which is a vitamin C thingy to help brighten skin but it's so far down the ingredient list that it doesn't seem like it really does all that much. It also has eucalyptus extract which is supposed to help with calming the skin, as well as Pinus Pinaster Bark Extract which is supposed to help with elasticity of skin as well as hydration. It's just...this shit stings the flipping crap out of eyes!!! I put it on, and my eyes cannot stop watering/burning for at least 2-5 minutes. It sucks! And the mask is really fun! I am a chronic skin picker and this is a peel off mask. So, when I'm using it I get to peel black stuff off my face and it totally satisfies my need to just poke around up in my business.

If it would just, stop, fling-flanging, stingy my eyes!!!!! LET ME LOVE YOU!!

I'm holding on that I will see a good amount of results when I start using this again so I can love it. I will update in a while to let all of my 2 readers (hi mom!) know.

Rating

1: just, no

2: meh, not rebuying.

3: mediocre

4: is good, will probably rebuy

5: holy snail grail

Places where you can purchase these items:

I bought both the Boscia "Makeup-Breakup Cool Cleansing Oil" and the Boscia "Luminizing Black Mask" from my local Sephora (link to website provided).

For the CosRX "Master Acne Patch" (es?) I would recommend going to Bisou Beauty Bar. They have a small collection but are based in Canada which is great for me (yay mooses!). I like using them, they ship quickly and updated me about the possible mail strike for Canada post! Plus they send cute handwritten cards with their orders. Really great service, 10/10 would recommend. You pay a little bit more, but honestly, it's a really great service and so fast.

Hope you all enjoyed this and have a wonderful day! And with all honesty, please recommend me some neat cleansing oils to try/review. I'm running out of the Boscia one and am tempted to buy the Banila co Clean it Zero one that everyone raves about, but the inner hipster in me really wants to give something that hasn't been used before a try. May the snail gods be with you, and have a lovely night!

XX

*All of these gifs are not mine and have been provided by/searched for relentlessly on http://giphy.com/


**CC= close comedones aka whiteheads


***They won't actually end world hunger. I'm sorry I hyperboleed (that's a word, I swear).

Getting My Rocks Off on Asian Beauty

Since I seem to have this unrelenting need to inform everyone about my life, I decided why not broadcast my new obsession over the internet.


This infatuation of mine stemmed from stumbling across a magical place called reddit. From the beginning, Reddit has been a place where everyone feels as though their opinions are the only correct opinions, and if you (god forbid) have an opinion that goes against the herds consensus then you are wrong, and will be shamed and downvoted* until the only thing that remains of your self worth and happiness is the ever fading shadow of what it once used to be.


I fell in love instantly. 


During my adventures throughout this website, I stumbled across many things. Things that made me happy, and things that made me sad. I found community, and understanding in so many places, and I also found frightening hate in many others. One place however, a jem of a place hidden behind many links, was a subreddit known as...


/r/asianbeauty


My insides began to tingle when I read the name on a 'suggested subreddit' section. What was this place? Will it make all my dreams come true? Should I go buy more lube? I didn't know then what would become of me when I clicked the link. I didn't realize how deep I would fall into the rabbit hole. I was confused at first, you see, 'Asian beauty' to me did not seem to be what I thought it would be. My not so inner pervert had risen and I thought I had stumbled across some strange, fetish page. I was both disappointed and pleased when I realized that this subreddit was about skincare items and routines that originated in Asia- generally from Korea and Japan.


I had realized the shame I had bestowed upon my family name by so eagerly thinking that I was entering a crazy, racist, sex ring, but then I forgave myself with some mint chocolate chip ice-cream, went out and bought some new lube, and began probing into the subreddit's branches.Within a couple of hours, I had read nearly everything on the front page, to get a feel the forum and not at all to waste my time at work obviously, and had then began to delve into the beginners guide in order to finally begin my adventure in skin care.


Now I highly suggest that you go and research for yourself more about Asian skin care and eastern products. The links I have provided offer a lot of information, and are the starting points that I myself took to get into the skin care routine I have now. There are thousands of posts and blogs out there though so Google as much as possible. And remember: YMMV (your mileage may vary)** .


I wanted to start reviewing and introducing ways that I take care of my skin (face and body). I will also more than likely talk about hair products since I have a lot of it ('it' as in hair) and I like taking care of it.


I know my other posts have been more about mental health, specifically my mental health, but my motivation to continue to drone on about my strange thoughts and sad days will get (and has probably already gotten) boring. Honestly, I feel way to conceited talking about how sad I am all the time. Plus, taking care of my skin, and upping my hygiene regime, has actually helped my mental state a bit. By having this routine and feeling good and clean with my skin, I have began to (dare I say it) feel good about the rest of myself in general. It's strange actually wanting to get out of bed to wash my face, but it's making me slightly more tolerable to be around. I'm not going to say that I am 'cured'***, but rubbing, patting, and scrubbing my face with things I never thought I would rub, pat, or scrub on my face (I'm looking at you snail juicy goodness) has made waking up in the morning a little more enjoyable.


I think I will go more in depth and review the products I am using now in another post since this getting a little long and I am getting hungry. But let's go over a few things that I have learned to be important in taking care of your skin.


Sunscreen


I used to only use sunscreen on super hot and sunny days when I went to the beach or was hiking or something. And even then I just used it on my body and not on my face because I did not want my sunscreen to break me out. People, let me tell you something. Sunscreen is life. It protects your skin from so medical and cosmetic things. It helps prevent dark spots, signs of ageing, and cancer. Western foundations may claim to have sun protection in them but from what I've read, that is not enough. I could do a whole post about sunscreen but this is all that you get for today.


Double Cleansing


It means exactly what you thing it means. This is the first step in the AB Routine. It involves using an oil cleanser, or any other preferred first cleanser (ex; micellar water if your skin reacts badly to oil cleansing), to take off all makeup and sunscreen off from the day. I am not aware of anyone who double cleanses in the morning time, I only double cleanse at night since I keep  gunk on my face all day. Then I use (and you do to) a low pH second cleanser. I repeat, LOW PH second cleanser. I will have to do another post about why low pH is good, or you can research it for yourself. Just trust me, low pH is good since our skin has a slightly acidic (low pH) level. I was using high pH cleansers for ever and could not understand why my skin felt so tight and dry even though I have oily/combo skin. LOW PH CLEANSER PEOPLE.


Moisturizer


This goes after your toner/exfoliant, essences, ampoules, actives, and a whole bunch of other crap I'll rant about later. Even people with oily skin need hydration. Think of it this way- your skin produces it's own oils (sebum) and when you cleanse, you strip your skin of these oils along with the bad stuff. If you leave your skin all oil free it will freak out and start producing more oil (homeostasis my friends). But, if you hydrate your skin and keep it all nice and bouncy then your skin will create its own natural oil levels that it needs. Again, Deserves its own posts.


These four items (sunscreen, oil cleanser, low pH cleanser, and moisturizer) are really the four staples you need to start off your routine. The rest (toner, vitamin C, actives, exfoliants, oils, sheet masks, etc.) are all things you can add depending on what your skin needs!


That's why I love this routine so much! It's not the oversimplified cleanse, tone, moisturize we see in western skin care. You can change it up so much and add or take away what does and does not work for you. Also, the products usually have really awesome packaging which just makes everything so much better. 


I'm going to sign off here and go wash my face because writing this post has made my face clitoris all riled up. Hope you all have a lovely Wednesday and become just as addicted to skin care as I am becoming!  


XX (Remember to pray to the snail gods)








*Reddit really is a great place, I make fun but there are many entertaining and enlightening things on reddit that make me and so many others happy


** YMMV is commonly used in the Asian Skincare subreddit and should really be taken very seriously. What may work for me may not work for you even if we have twinsie skin types. Something may also take longer to kick in that it does for others so be patient.


***I understand that depression is a touchy subject so when I mention it please don't take offense to anything. I am 100% just making fun of my self and my own issues rather than depression and mental health as a whole. If you are depressed/ in a depressed state then please talk to someone about it. It will help a lot. Even if that someone is vast, unemotional pit that is the internet (more than likely projecting here).

The Girl with a Thousand Faces

Have you ever made the wrong face at the wrong time?

If you have then congratulations, you have been accepted into the club of "people who make wrong faces at the wrong time" club (is that to many "clubs" ?). We have really cool jackets and socks. You can wear our really cool jackets and socks to our semi-annual-bi-monthly-regular day meetings, but make sure that you also wear other clothes along with the nifty jacket and socks and do not only wear the jacket and socks. You would think I wouldn't have to tell people this but you would be surprised. Or maybe not that surprised. You are in the "people who make wrong faces and the wrong time club" so people wearing only jackets and socks may not be that far of a stretch.

Should we make a club for people who only wear the jackets and socks provided by other clubs? Or would that just be considered an orgy? I will wait patiently for your feed back.

We got a little sidetracked there so lets get back to the main event (Damn orgies always getting in the way of my ranting).

I am now able to properly confirm that I have made the wrong face at the wrong time at least 1 bazoogle** amount of times. Pick your jaws back up ladies and gentlemen, I know a bazoogle is more than any of you can comprehend but it is a semi-accurate assumption. However, I did not realize how often I was making the wrong faces and the wrong time until today.

I walked into work this morning and my coworker/supervisor/owner-of-hedgehog-guy came into my little office to inform me on some information that I had not been told of yet but would be enlightened of in a moment. Now this morning I had run out of spoons ***, and had massive trouble getting out of bed. It was one of those mornings when you want to call into work because you really can not deal with people today and people do not want to deal with you and you would really be doing everyone a favor by staying home because the voices in your head are telling you that. You know what I'm talking about. So after I forced my way out of bed and cried on the kitchen floor for 5 minutes. Then at work, while fighting off the urge to literally (no, I do not actually mean figuratively when I say literally) hide under my desk and stare at the wall for a solid 3 hours, I made it into my office and started up my computer. Then my coworker/supervisor/hedge-hog-owner-guy walked in to tell me about that information that I was not aware of but was about to be enlightened about. 

The conversation went a little something like this:

coworker: Heeyyyy, hows it- (this is when he looked up at me and saw my face like this)

me: (cue look of utter defeat and with a hint of questionable anger in the eyebrows)

co-worker: (cue look of surprise and possibly slight disgust)

me: (in my head) this is probably not the correct facial expression, I should change it

co-worker: haha what's that look for? I'm not going to ruin your day, don't worry.

me: (adds what hopes to be a smile but is most likely a weird manic grimace when paired with questionable anger eyebrows, now hoping I have the correct facial expression for this encounter) Sorry! I know! What's up!

co-worker: *awkward laugh* Just have some stuff for you to look at

me: (trying to force my eyebrows up into a more suitable position to match my smile and failing miserably. I now look like I'm on crack) ok, lay it on me.

co-worker: (he looks like he thinks that I'm going to implode) ok well here is x,y,z could you look into it for me?

me: (still manic smiling, with eyebrows that feel so high on my forehead that they have probably just disappeared into my hairline) yeah of course no problem!

Co-worker/Supervisor/Hedge-hog-owning-guy leaves, and I am sitting in my office convinced that he hates me and is telling everyone that I am crazy and/or having a mental breakdown.

What is projecting.

This was one of those times where I could not for the lifer of me get my face to do the proper expression for this situation. Usually I'm pretty good at smiling when needed and looking upset when needed (or so I thought until this little incident) but today was not a day for normality apparently.

I find myself, when in conversation with someone, that it takes me a second or two longer to come up with the proper facial expression for certain conversations. I'll throw something on my face and hope that its what is needed for whatever we are talking about. I thought I was pretty good at it too, until today. I've been re-thinking my entire life, and it seems like all the weird looks I get or when people just stop talking mid conversation to stare at me are not in fact them seeing through this façade of semi-put-togetherness with there magic laser vision eye sight that they use to view all my insecurities and see how much I actually am not put together and they are not disgusted by how much I've not only fucked up in the last few hours but in my entire life, they are just wondering if I have had a stroke or some other sort of medical issue that would cause my face to look how it does.

And that, my dear little peaches, is how I will end this tale because the writers block is now kicking in and I need to go watch some Netflix.

Crazy is What Crazy Does.. Or something along those lines.

Does anyone else ever feel like they are going crazy? 

Not the stressed out kind of crazy, the proper crazy. Where you start muttering to yourself, you see people waving at you or something out of the corner of your eye and then when you turn your head they're gone, and all of the sudden you here a muttering in your head that you cant control which leads to you muttering more to yourself to drown out those voices, or to keep a conversation going because you're enjoying those voices. And you start rambling in a blog post that no one is really reading but you feel good because the internet is big and maybe some one out there will read this and see it for the gigantic cry for help that it is (what are commas?). 

It's like I am in a kind of purgatory right now- not quite crazy, but not quite sane. 

Heaven would be sanity, and hell would be a complete 'loosing my mind' breakdown- if we want to bring a little 'fate'; and 'biblical-ness' into this conversation. And I don't mean a healthy break down*. A breakdown where it takes a tremendous amount of time and effort and a many of Therapists to make you resemble a shred of your old self once again.

This is kind of how I feel sometimes when I have to wake up in the morning.

Right now, I am smack dab in the middle. I'm not quite full fledge crazy but I am also not what I would consider to be insanely sane. 

I sound ridiculous.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Do full on 'crazy' people even realize they're 'crazy'? Or do they think that they are the normal ones? Or (if we go into full on inception mode) are the 'crazy' people the Sane ones, and the sane ones are the 'crazy' people?  If we go with what would seem to be the obvious answer and say that no, people who are actually 'crazy' do not realize they are 'crazy' then we could conclude that in order to say sane we/I would just have to continue to question my own sanity. 

(Please continue if you would like to enjoy some more word vomit.)

However, you could also assume that questioning your own sanity would lead to you going crazy. 

Or you would just begin to deny that you are crazy, therefore confirming that you have gone insane. 

These are the unfortunate loopholes I get myself into when the insomnia hits.  


*Yes, I do believe that there is such a thing as a healthy breakdown.

*A small Disclaimer: I understand that the term 'crazy' is not the political correct term for someone with mental illness. However, I am not a politically correct person so... there's that.

A Slight Glance Down the Rabbit Hole

I bear the great pleasure of having a crippling fear of death. As soon as I start thinking about death, I loose all mobility. I get this horrible empty feeling in my stomach. It's like a mix of falling down an elevator shaft and nausea, with a side of 'hello-welcome-the-endless-black-pit-of-doom' sauce. I break out in cold sweats, my heart starts pounding, and I either start crying or break out into maniacal laughter. It's a treat, really. I find this fear very inconvenient since death is inevitable. Yes I know that death is inevitable. I have just not accepted the fact that death will happen to me. I can't. I'm already holding on to sanity by a thread so accepting this whole 'I'm going to die one day' thing will really just tip that sanity boat over the edge of the waterfall into 'Rocking back and forth whilst in fetal position' city.

The first time I had a panic attack about death was when I was about 8 years old (give or take one year). It's one of my most clear memories. I was in my old bedroom at the time, and the concept of death popped into my head. I began thinking about God, and religion and what everything means. I remember wondering that if we just die, and nothing happens, what was the point of living. The thoughts of how it was much to possible for my liking to feel absolutely nothing, to see nothing, to remember nothing, began to engulf me. These thoughts seeped into my mind like an unwanted conversation with someone you cannot stand, causing me to break out into hysterics and pull on my hair so forcefully that my scalp started pounding. Once I was able to move again and was just sobbing semi-uncontrollably, I grabbed my younger brother and sister and hugged them and just told them how much I loved them. My sister was looking at me with a "what the fuck are you doing" expression but I telepathically told her to just accept the hug because that is what 8 year old me needed at that time. My brother hugged the crap out of me because he was small (I think 3 or 4) and just loved hugs.

This memory really sticks out to me. I don't know how I calmed myself down. I can't ever remember how I calm down after these death-phobia-attacks. I know there is a lot of deep breathing involved and I think most of the time I just fall asleep since these thoughts generally creep up on me when I'm alone and in bed.

The reason I want to discuss this today is because there has been quite a bit of publication in regards to a two particular deaths in the last week (in my neck of the woods anyways). Allen Rickman and David Bowie have both passed away from that enemy we have all united against: Cancer.

I did not know these two very influential men on a personal level, so there death doesn't really effect me all that much. That being said, their demise has made me think lot about death this week and how these amazing people who have inspired so many of us are now just gone, but wont ever be forgotten.

Isn't that what we all want? To not be forgotten.

A lot of my phobia revolving around death entails getting old and being forgotten and forgetting my loved ones. That part is bolded because that concept, forgetting the people I love, is what keeps me up at night nearly 3 nights a week on average. I do not ever want to forget the people I love. I'm not to sure why I have this need to always remember the ones I have cared about most. It's just something that is very important to me. If I dig deep enough (but not too deep because we don't want to release the scary monsters out of the pits of Tartarus) into my mind I can tentively* say that my reasons for wanting to always remember the important people in my life are selfish. I want to remember them because I know that they undoubtedly love me back . And if they undoubtedly love me back, then they will always remember me. And that is what we all want. To be remembered.

It's selfish, I know. I should only want to remember my loved ones because they are amazing people who inspire me and care about me and would do anything for me. But I don't want to forget them because If I do, then who would remember me? Who would love me? I would be forgotten since I would not be able to remember the people who would remember, know, and care about me.

Then, I would really be alone.


* I know that 'tentatively' is not a real word. At least I don't think its a proper word, but it should be a word. Consider my usage of this word as a small protest against the word-choosing-people (place middle finger here).

"Sometimes I Like to Lick Dead People" and Other Questionable Truths

Don't worry, I actually don't like to lick dead people. Although...I've never tried it before. I've always thought that licking the deceased was not only really socially unacceptable and probably against the law, but also just plain gross. But there must be someone out there who has licked a dead person. Right? The world is populated by roughly 7 billion people, someone must have licked a dead person at some point or another. Maybe it was a the 'in thing' to do back in the day. And people everywhere would just casually lick dead people at parties and what not.*

These are the thoughts I have at 4 in the morning. 

That little bit of sleep I was oh so blessed with was disturbed by a putrid nightmare. A zombie apocalypse nightmare. 

And because you all asked ever so nicely, I will tell you all about my bad dream:

It all started with myself, my mother, and my aunt at an Adele concert (dream Adele was fantastic by the way). My cousin is 5 years old going on 6, and she was there too but all upset because we weren't going to let her come to our seats with us unless she finished her chips. So she compromised like the little muffin-cake that she is and put the chips into her backpack. Then she came and enjoyed the Adele concert with us when all of a sudden....A ZOMBIE BROKE LOOSE AND ATE ADELE'S HAND OFF!!!! It was madness. My aunt placed my cousin into my arms told me to run. I obliged, and this is where things get a little foggy. I remember either my aunt and/or mother trying to escape with us but I also remember them fending of zombies to save their baby girls. 

Little Cousin and I ran off and got into my car. But we needed gas (Lesson one: always make sure your tank is filled up when a zombie apocalypse strikes). We headed to the gas station, I've got cousin buckled up in her car seat and both of us are ever so slightly freaking out. She's crying in the back about how we have to go get 'momma' and I'm crying in the front about how I completely agree. Not only because we love and care about the ladies that gave birth to us but also because I can not raise a child on my own. It's a good day when I have food in the apartment or can actually get out of bed. I feel like adding a child into that mix would make my excuses for forgetting to buy groceries seem extremely frivolous. So as you can see, this is where my nightmare begins (buh dunshh)**. 

We get to the gas station. All is well but I realize I've forgotten my gas card at home. What is a gas card you ask? Well it is not a card in which gives you methane that is then released out of your anus, but it is a card in which you can obtain fossil fuels to make your car go vroom-vroom. Lucky for me though, a nice police man helps us out. He was a younger cop and I think if my dream was a movie then we would be each others loved interests. Nice police man guy helps us out with some gas and is about to fill up our tank when all of a sudden.....ZOMBIES COME OUT OF NOWHERE AND BITE OUT A RANDOM GUY'S JUGULAR (oh no!!! ahhh!!! the horror!!!)***.

Put on your imagination caps guys and close you eyes, or don't close you eyes because then you wouldn't be able to read this plethora of imagery I'm about to lay down for you. Are you ready?

Imagine, people running and screaming in all directions. Zombies everywhere, but they are the slow walking zombies not the weirdly fast new-age ones. You see the girl and the cop look around, wide eyed and filled with terror, the little girl cousin trembling and screaming for our narrator to save her. So she runs. She runs and reaches the car seat, unbuckles the little girl and runs like that really fast sprinter guy to the cop's car (for some reason the cop is driving and Audi and not an actual cop car). Our protagonist gets into the car and starts it. The cop is fending off Zombies and when she reverses into the hoard of Zombie/Dead-Zombie pile up, the cop shouts at her to leave. He says "save yourselves!". So they speed off. They drive away. They are driving towards the ocean on their little island. Towards the ferry that will take them to the mainland where hopefully they can find a safe place. The girl hears her cousin mumbling in the back about how they are going to just go get mommas overnight things so she'll have stuff for the morning. You can physically feel the protagonists heart breaking, and feel the tension in her shoulders as she tries to keep it together. 

They are driving along the road and everything is silent. You can here moaning and banging coming barricaded houses. 

They are walking now towards to the ocean. But there is not ferry, so they steal a sail boat and begin to sail off in hopes of answers and safety. 

This is where things get dark, at least this is where things get heavy for me. If you would like to end on a semi-happy note then I would stop here. But after this point its not going to be sunshine and roses****. 

They are on a boat now, and the girl notices a bite mark on her cousins leg. She see's how her cheeks have hollowed out, and her eyes are showing signs of decaying. The girl's heart just drops. She can't believe that this is happening. The cousin looks up to her and looks scared, intensely scared. She doesn't know what to do now. 

This story had multiple endings, there is the first one where after she turns, I throw my cousin into the ocean, alive and let her drown and/or turn into a zombie-fish hybrid. The second one is where I kill her when she turns first, and then throw her into the ocean. The third ending is where I keep her tied up and hope that there is a cure on the mainland, but she attacks me in the middle of the night and I end up killing her. The fourth and final ending is where we run into other sailors and they kill her when she turns and then take me with them to the mainland. 

And then I woke up.

You can all have fun analyzing my dream and pointing what certain things mean. I think this nightmare really showed me how a Zombie apocalypse will go down for me. Not good. Clearly I need to make a Zombie Survival guide with a zombie survival kit to go along with it. You can never be too prepared right? 

I have many things about myself that can and should be considered "Questionable Truths" since I believe myself to be rather questionable. But I think that I have given you enough material today for you to clearly see my flaws and my crazy, so we'll save the questionable truth list for another time. 

Until next time you animals. 

*I realized after I wrote this that cultures where cannibalism is there...thing....that they would probably lick dead people all the time. So licking dead people to them is not all that weird. If you are reading this and are in/from a community that promotes cannibalism and licking dead people then please know that I mean no offence by this post and give you permission to lick my dead body when my time comes 

**that is supposed to represent the noise that a drummer would make when a joke was said to exemplify that it was a joke. Just in case you didn't get that but I'm pretty sure all four of you did. Hi Mom! 

*** Read this is a voice that mocks a person mocking a scared person. If you did that the first time then awesome, if you haven't done that yet then go back and do it now because it will make this story that much better. Do it. Just do it. 

****I didn't mean to imply here that my story was already filled with sunshine and roses. This was all sarcasm. C'mon guys. 

"Wookie Nookie"

Cute title, right?

I wish I could take credit for that lovely play on words, but unfortunately I cannot. That adorable little two word pun was something I read off of a T-shirt in a store this one time. There's a good story to go with me finding that T-shirt but that's for another place, and another time my sweet, sweet popsicle muffins. 

You will soon discover that most of my things- and by things I mean this word vomit that you're about to embark upon- will be cliche'd jokes, overused puns, and basically just a bunch of dad jokes rolled into one. My life is a dad joke. Maybe that's what I should of named this blog.

I'm going to take a moment now to put a little disclaimer here: I will be writing with brutal, unforgiving honesty. The stories about my life will not all be funny and happy ones. There will be things in some of my tales that may trigger those of you suffering from mental illness. Yee beware! 

Now, I wanted to treat this as an introduction of what you'll be getting yourself into. You poor, unfortunate souls (See what I did there? Look at us, starting off on an honest footing! High-fives all around!!)*. I'm not going to ramble on about my life story, but I will tell you why I started this blog.

 In all honestly, It's an outlet for me. 

This is a way for me to write about my experiences and remember them as they were or just a way for me to write it out and make sense of things. For some reason I have decided that my life is worthy enough to share this with the world.  

 I have been officially diagnosed with clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. I used to be on medication for my depression but after a suicide attempt about a month ago I decided to lay off medication for a while and try to "work out" my crazy with cognitive behavioral therapy. This last year for me has been a big, giant, 'spit on my face and call me Nancy' kind of low point in my life. Me trying to off myself was when my family finally noticed how serious my depression was and their support made me finally want to change my lifestyle. I'm not 'better', and I don't plan to get 'better'. I don't believe that I need to necessarily get "better". I'm not saying that I am not sick, I know I'm sick. I know how harmful my depression has been to myself and to the people closest to me. But I don't plan on getting better. I plan on getting happy. Crazy happy. Like the happy that Jenny Lawson wrote about in her book, Furiously Happy. I want to become as happy as "Rory the raccoon". This blog is a way for me to give a big old 'fuck you' to all the assholes out there. It's a way for me to pull down my pants and moon the demons that lay within myself and everyone else's demons (you're welcome). You should all pull your pats down and moon your demons with me! We can start a club where we all get together and shake our asses to our demons, I think is the best idea I ever had. We can call our club " the mooners" or the "fanny exposers". 

Don't worry, these are working titles. 

Side note: My boyfriend just came home and I made him perogies. He wanted me to let you all know how the warm perogie bowl feels good on his...special area**.  I'm also not a hundred percent sure that is not how you spell perogies..

I got a little side tracked there so lets wrap this burrito of word vomit (that doesn't sound very appealing.. word purge? Is that any better? No? Maybe? Call 1-800-RAINBOW-FUN-TIME to give us your answer!) up and shake a tail. .or something else because most of you probably don't have tails. 

Ahhhh closing statements. I always heard that you should begin on a strong note and end on a well, strong note. So... uhh.. 

So to whoever is reading this still, I salute you. You made it through the rough patch. Mazel tov!


* I can't remember what this star was for. I should probably delete it, but I'm not going to. I'm sadistic like that.    
**"Special Area" is the not so secrect code word for balls. As in testicles. I was talking about testicles.